This word has been on my mind so much lately, for well over a month now. It came to me in earnest on October 17th just as I was falling asleep. I realized I had lost some of my willingness to be persistent, I had lost some of my determination. I realized that I am complacent in my life, I have a job I dislike but which pays the bills and then some, I have my routine, blah blah blah. And you know what? I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the routine or complacency. Not happy that I lack persistence, motivation and determination. A year ago, I was basically harassing every person posting a place for rent on Craigslist, I was relentless...I wasn't afraid to ask for what I wanted, what was the worst that could happen, they say no and i move on to the next person. I KNEW I needed to be in Arizona and I didn't give a fuck how I had to make it happen. Seven days a week I made calls and wrote emails. I never stopped. I prayed. I did readings for myself over and over, I made lists, I had others do readings for me. THIS HAD TO HAPPEN!
And finally, two months into the search, just as I was ready to give up...I got EXACTLY what I was looking for, more even! And i kept on busting my ass even after I got here. Then somewhere in that time, between making this move happen in 30 days, getting a car, making sure everything at work was squared away and I wouldn't have any HR issues, getting utilities set up to be taken care of prior to my arrival, between moving so fast I didn't have time to fully process what was going on, I was just doing it, between all that...and then finally having the time to process making sure I was working enough to pay the bills and rent by myself...making this shit all on my own, I stopped trying, I stopped working on my tarot business. I let myself believe that because I have a day job and steady income, I don't really need to work towards anything else. I don't really need to work towards making my dreams a reality.
What the hell was I thinking, right? Putting the things I never cared for but did because it's what i'm supposed to do before the things that make me happy. Am I crazy?!
So, now that I am more aware and present in and of myself, now that some things have transpired in my day job to really and fully push me over the edge to a point where I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is FUCKING TIME to get the fuck outta this piece, I'm able to change those patterns and beliefs. I'm able to be accountable and responsible for those thoughts and actions, or lack thereof...I mean, I always WAS accountable and responsible but now I'm holding myself to it.
So if you're in that rut, just like I was and am finally transitioning out of, hold tight. It won't always be smooth or easy, but if you're busting your ass every day, if you're really ready to make shit happen, it will fucking happen.